Why I Like Being Uncomfortable

Ok, maybe I don't like it, but I am ok with it. I am at least comfortable with the idea of being uncomfortable.

I am grateful for some recent uncomfortable experiences that have grown me - a relationship that taught me to be vulnerable, soft, and caring; a breakup that taught me to recover and reprioritize; and the hindsight to see "what didn't work" as "what will work in the future."

When Chris and I broke up, he said something powerful: "You know, you'll have this again, Kat. It's always a similar plotline, just with different characters. You'll still have all those wonderful things that you dream about, just with somebody who dreams about them too."

And much as I didn't want him to be right or charming or pure about one damn thing he said to me that day, the truth is, he was all of the above!

You see, Chris was already in love when I met him. He was in love with a particular future - with Chicago, living amongst tall buildings in a big city, having a few biological kids of his own, working long consultant hours, traveling all over, and enjoying a fast-paced weekend of drinking and running and socializing.

I was already in love with a different future - with my Birmingham suburb, my dog, and a dynasty of foster children, workdays spent doing something that matters but coming home at a reasonable hour to the people that matter even more, and weekends spent sleeping in, taking walks, watching Blaine's baseball games, and grabbing coffee with friends.

We both have exciting adventures ahead - just vastly different adventures, that don't overlap, that we can't take together. I am grateful that he was able to see this; it would have taken me a lot longer.

I am thankful for the experience, and the possibilities...

Learning to Trust

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I've always had trust issues - both with people and with God.

Instead of confiding in God or other people, I was quick to judgment. Any time things did not go my way, I placed blame, creating a "me vs. them" mentality. I never grew or changed because when life didn't work, I never believed it to be because of myself. I felt I was a victim, which was disempowering.

This line of thinking was quite dangerous. It created real struggles for me. It made me an angry person. I could not find peace or joy without answers -- answers I would likely never have.
I'm learning, slowly, to let go and trust, be still and, in prayer, let my intuition guide me. Place my troubles on Christ and allow Him to fix my heart, to place the answers in my attitudes and choices.

Sometimes what I want is not what God wants. My conversations with Him once looked like a child throwing a temper tantrum: "God, why are you doing this to me?? Why can't you just give me what I want?? I hate you, God! I am not going to do what you want - nope, I am no longer going to church!"

Now, God and I are partners. I am here to do His work and, to do that, I require His coaching. The conversation looks like this: "God, I pray that you will bring me peace in the absence of clarity. I pray that you will give me the strength and perseverance to overcome this situation. I trust that you are building me up and preparing me for promotion into the next chapter of my life! God, I love you. Keep me safe. Help me to practice gratitude, patience, trust, and empathy."

I know that you have put it in my heart to pursue certain things – volunteering with the family law clinic and the tax clinic, fostering a sibling group, possibly adopting Blaine or Marcus or Trisha. I pray that you will provide for me in a way that allows me to follow these passions and no longer feel enslaved to work that squashes my sparkle.

Lord, please give me a child that I can truly help. Please place in my heart the right motives for doing this – not a need for praise, appreciation, stroking of my ego, but a pure desire to sacrifice for another person’s benefit while getting nothing in return.

Older & Wiser

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." ~Psalm 37:4

When I was younger, I thought very scientifically. If I couldn't prove something, it simply must not be true. I had a real problem with the “leaps of faith” that God asked of people in the bible.

Reading a bible verse like this, a younger me would have interpreted it quite literally: If I pray, go to church, donate to charity, and follow the ten commandments (delight myself in the Lord), then of course, He will physically give to me all the things that I want (the desires of my heart.)

For example, let's say I did a good deed, all the while wishing for an A+ on that math test. When God didn't deliver with my perfect test score, my “God’s-not-real” radar instantly and instinctively went off. Younger me would conclude - either God was not real, the Bible was not really God's word to me, or God was an evil God who made this covenant with me, quid pro quo, delight for desires, and then backed out of His promise. All of these are dangerous conclusions, and conclusions that force a wedge between me and God – God is the enemy instead of the partner, ironically the exact opposite of what the passage intends.

Older wiser me (better at trusting God and letting go of the reins) reads it like this: If you keep your eyes and ears, intentions, speech, decisions, and actions on God, which aren’t limited to (and sometimes don’t include at all) the obligatory rituals of religion, He will place in your heart dreams and goals, passions and callings that make your will for you consistent with His will for you. God does not give you the things which you desire; He gives you your dreams, your actual desires.

A Wholehearted Pursuit

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13

Heavenly King -
Teach me to be worthy.

Worthiness is... accepting the blessings God has given you, not as things you are entitled to, but as beautiful presents that you did nothing to earn, but that you are grateful to have.

My freshman year in college, I remember sitting at a lunch table across from two very nice girls - one was "triple majoring" and the other was "on the pre-med track."

I distinctly remember thinking: certain people can accomplish things like that, but I am not one of those people. I didn't have much interest in a triple major or an MD, so I'm not terribly disappointed that I didn't pursue those goals. However, I'm disappointed that the reason I didn't was because I thought I couldn't - I wasn't one of *those* people. I wasn't worthy. I wasn't enough (smart enough, hard working enough, whatever enough) to get the things those people got.

What a slap in the face to God!

Remember the parable about talents? One man buries his in the ground and keeps it safe, the other invests his and earns more of them. Who would you rather be? The person who spends his life playing it safe and burying his talents? Or the other who uses them, is grateful for them, grows and blossoms? How insulting to God to suggest that your talents can't get you anywhere so you may as well not use them. Of course he wants you to use them!

Truth is - I AM THAT PERSON WITH THE GIFTS TO SUCCEED!!!! I am the daughter of a king! I am a kind person, an intelligent person, a beautiful person with all my quirks. I am a well-intentioned person, a hard-working person, a person with good ideas. I am someone with sticktuitiveness, a proactive problem solver, a creative leader. I am good at managing teams and mentoring people. I am good at helping them see their dream and set the goals to pursue it. Yet I fall short for myself.

I don't know the right next steps, but I know that You have blessed me with an abundance - a phenomenal family who is supportive of me even when I don't deserve their support, a dog who is happy to see me come home when she really should be pissed that I've left her for the last ten hours, the money to buy great food, the time to recooperate my health, the intelligence and work ethic to follow my dreams and really see them through.

God, I feel like you are just saying to me... Kathryn, stop burying your talents and go shine!

Please teach me to be vulnerable and take chances on myself and to have enough faith in my abilities to accomplish and your abilities to steer. I've hit a breaking point where I'm more excited about the unknown than I am comfortable with the known. I know you have more in mind for me, and I know it will involve sacrafices to get there. Please grant me the courage to weather those changes.

You've met all of my physical and mental needs. You've provided for me. All I need to do.. is start walking the walk.

I woke up with this in my heart: As long as you are being a good person and the kind of person you would be proud to be and doing your best, even if things don't go as planned, you will be ok.

"Then he said to them: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." -Luke 9:23

Dreams that take something are harder and more meaningful than the dreams that don't. Being a true Christian takes something - getting your butt out of bed for church, reacting like a Christian even when you are frustrated and want to get angry at someone, living life as a Christian and being a walking bible to those around you who don't necessarily go to church, and standing up for Christian beliefs, even when a liberal media wants you to do otherwise.

 

As we see in Luke, reputation often tempts us to abandon purpose. You can live your whole life being ordinary, plain, mediocre, and unsatisfied, purposeless. If you want satisfaction and purpose, it is up to you to change your situation and wholeheartedly pursue.