A Girl with Two Masters

"Choose this day whom you will serve... but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." -Joshua 24:15

I've been in a rut lately. You see... this fall I was so incredibly excited about the foster care program. I attended the trainings, started designing the bedrooms, developed a homework chart. I dreamed of what these kids would be like, what situations they would come from, and how much better off they would be in my care.

I was ready.

Then... life happened.

Attrition at work left me shouldering multiple peoples' responsibilities. I put on my big girl pants and absorbed the additional work. I started my days earlier and ended them later, forgetting about friends, family, law school, bible study, and church.

This went on for months.

I cried a lot... mostly because...

Here I was with these big dreams of taking in kids, being their advocate, helping them with homework, feeding them nutritious foods, attending their soccer games, knowing their friends, hosting birthday parties, helping them apply for college.

Could I be that person while working these hours? Absolutely not!

I needed to make some changes.

First off, I had been worshipping a false god (my job) at the expense of everything that actually mattered (my true Christian vocation).  Recognizing this, I made the transition off the Dow Chemical account, and started piecing together my priorities again. I am taking time off to recharge and finish the kids' rooms. I am applying for jobs all over in search of better work-life balance (read: worshipping the right God). I am praying God will land me where he needs me.

Second off, I hadn't been serving. Throughout this period of sadness, it's been easy to say "God, how could you let this happen? Why are you making this so hard? Why won't you just give me what I need? Are you not on *my* side, God?"

But... that was entirely the wrong attitude!

God *is* on my side!!! The question is - am *I* on his side?? Were my behaviors consistent with the daughter of a king? Were they thankful, loving, and pure? No, they were riddled with anger and ingratitude, looking only at what was wrong. They were full of complaints - not solutions. While I may not have had control over my situation, I surely had a choice over what kind of person I wanted to be. And I chose.. to be a person I didn't like!

"No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." - Matthew 6:24

In Matthew 6:24, we learn that it is impossible for one to serve two masters, as there will always be competing interests. Therefore, we are forced to choose. Just like Joshua... me and my house choose TEAM GOD! :)

Now for the hard part.. building our lives around that choice!
 

Losing Lauren

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

The past two years have been the best of my life. I'm a home owner. I'm financially secure. I have amazing roommates, friends, and family. I have Zuma. I am successful in my career and enjoy what I'm working on. I'm learning so much in law school and in life. To say I have been blessed is an understatement.

I like where I am, so I find it challenging to embrace any kind of change that could jeopardize this profound happiness that I am experiencing.

The next few months will be filled with change.

Lauren is moving out. My downstairs is full of boxes. Her bedroom is full of items that need to be sorted and organized. You can smell the dust from things resurfacing that have been left in their places for two years. It is actually becoming real to me, and the tears are starting to flow.

Lauren is moving now, and Beba moves in October. It is not as if we had a falling out or I evicted them. But they are moving out to go on and do bigger and better things.

Lauren is moving out to become a missionary through the World Race. Beba is moving out to move in with her boyfriend, hopefully get married and start a family. As Joel would say, sometimes our dreams are bigger than the environment in which we are placed. These two are moving on to bigger environments and bigger dreams.

It has given me a lot of pause. Do I want new roommates? Do I rent out the rooms together, or individually? Do I rent out the whole house? Do I not rent and live alone? As Ameer would say.. look down all paths and see which one brings you the most peace.

I found myself very reluctant to place the ad for new roommates. I don't think any relationship (roommate-roommate, landlord-tenant, dog owner - dog sitter, friend-friend) could quite compare with what I have with these two amazing girls; like I said, I've been BEYOND blessed!

I found myself reluctant to live alone though. I don't like coming home to a dark lonely house by myself. I don't like the dog being all alone all day every day.

If I go with my gut, I think this is my sign... that I am supposed to start the foster parenting. I just got a raise that brings me up by $1200/month (exactly the amount I was collecting in rent), so therefore I do not need the money to sustain my current standard of living. I will have the opportunity to cut back on school a bit next term; I can do a class with a thesis paper and start that paper now, and I can do the estate planning clinic as my second class. I will be in Saudi Arabia in December and January, so I'll have the extra money from hazard pay and per diem.

I love my job and I love school, but I don't get fulfillment out of them in the do-gooder sense. I'm really just doing something that is benefitting myself - not something that is helping others. I want to help... but in a way that profoundly changes one or two peoples' lives.

So I signed up for PRIDE training and will do that the next three Saturdays. My parents are going to join me. I reached back out to my social worker. I am going to get my medical exam scheduled for November. My goal is to be all approved before I leave for KSA. Then ready to hit the ground running with a placement when I get back.

I hope this is the right thing, but just like the text from Proverbs says, it's got to be God's plan and God's timing - not mine. I think there is really a reason that I got the raise in that exact amount, that my two roommates that I adore are leaving and leaving for such big things, that all of this came about quite abruptly. I think God is saying... changes are happening whether you plan them or not, I think you're ready, and if you won't jump, I'll push you! Meet the change with unconditional love, instead of fear and hypotheticals.

A Prayer of Gratitude

Dear Lord:
Thank you for the many blessings you have brought into my life. I am blessed with amazing friends, like Larry who is always so practical and thorough, and whose faith commitment serves as a model for me in being the type of parent, spouse, and Christian servant I aspire to become. Beba who is just in love with life, and works to find the joy and humor in any situation. Sarah and Lisa who are running the same races I am with respect to career and relationships, and who can mentor me in so many ways.

Thank you for the resources and intelligence to attend law school, and the exciting prospect of my law school merging with Western Michigan University. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to do this part time without having to sacrafice my career and for the chance to return to weekend classes and spending time with my weekend student friends once again.

Thank you for my family - my Mom who models gratitude, patience, kindness and optimism for me, and my Dad who is the most philanthropic person I know, who gives and expects nothing in return. Thank you for parents who just want me to be happy and safe, and have no further expectations of me. Thank you for Zuma and Jewels who give me a reason to slow down the pace of my life, to stop and smell the roses. In addition to my immediate family, thank you for my extended family and for the fellowship we shared with them as they had us over for a delicious Easter dinner.

Thank you for the bible study girls and my Kirk family, who keep me rooted in my faith, and keep my marriage with Christ a daily work that is always growing, who keep me on track despite my own personal set backs. The only way we will ever find our true vocation is through a life married to Christ.

Thank you for Accenture, and the many opportunities that it has afforded me - the chance to travel and see the world when I was younger, the chance to fellowship with international colleagues at St Charles, the informal mentorship along the way through people like Julie, Britaini, Ameer, Marty, Sue, Matt, Scott, and Saman, and others. Thank you for the opportunity to live in a nice home and maintain a nice life. At this point, I pray that you will guide me in what to do next in my career, how to best use my talents and skills to glorify God, and whether my career itself has ever been about glorifying God or just about glorifying self :-/

Thank you for Autumn, and the children's book that we are currently writing. Autumn is so talented and I am fortunate to have connected with her.

Thank you, Lord, for the many things that you have given me. I don't deserve any of them, but I am beyond thankful for all of them. You have made my life the great thing that it is!! And I am working hard to be constantly appreciative for it, and to wake up and live every day with a bit of excitement as if it were building up to my prom night or my first date or my graduation ceremony or something else that's equally exciting. And I ask you to strengthen my integrity and work ethic so that every day I can help to build your kingdom.

-Kathryn

Joseph & the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat (my first musical)

When I was 10 years old, I saw my first musical - "Joseph & the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat." I went with my Mom. I got to dress up. And we drove downtown to the Fox Theatre. We ordered snacks for the show, and my Mom even bought me a cassette tape with the songs on it.

I've been reading up on the story of Joseph and his dreams. It seems that we might be wise to act on our dreams, but also to keep some of our dreams to ourselves. Here's why:

(1) If our dreams are from God, then it doesn't matter what others think, so why share them? When Joseph had two dreams with the same message it meant that "the matter had been firmly decided by God, and God would do it soon." (Genesis 41:32) So why consult others? If there is doubt in our minds, the doubt is irrelevant if we can determine that the dream is from God.

(2) Keeping a dream to ourselves allows us to determine whether the dream is really from God. God's exaltation of a man is never for the man himself; it is for the glorification of God and the edification of others, so if the dream is one that God intends for us, we need to determine whether it is for ego (read: not from God) or for God and others (read: from God). There should be no self-promotion to our dreams. A good test of this is whether we can applaud another person doing the same thing with the same skills. If we can't, then it's about us - not God and others!

(3) We are called to "check on the shalom (peace) of our brothers." (Genesis 37:14). If sharing our dreams makes others feel bad, then we probably shouldn't do it.

The Meaning of Marriage

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and give himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless" -Ephesians 5:22-28 [condensed]

The difference between a secular marriage and a Christ-honoring marriage is that in a Christ-honoring marriage your mission is to make each other better servants, to focus each other on your true vocations in life. The marriage is not between the bride and groom, but between God, the bride, and the groom. Hence why in most Christian ceremonies the minister asks the bride and groom a series of questions which they answer facing the minister and the altar (making their commitments to God). Then they recite their vows to one another either by repeating after the minister or by reading vows they have written down(making their commitments to each other). That entire first half of commitments is completely missing in a secular ceremony. Are secular marriages legitimate? Yes. Are religious marriages legitimate? Yes. But each serves an entirely different purpose. I've struggled with this, being a Christian who was dating a Jew up until a few weeks ago. I think it would be, well, impossible to have a Christ-honoring marriage with someone who does not believe in Christ (or was just raised with no real concept of Christ). Then I look at the  religions comparatively, and both believe in God (arguably the same God? God of Isaac) - I am wondering if a God-honoring marriage is the same as a Christ-honoring marriage. What do you think?

A Jewish Take

“If I am not for myself, who will be for me?
If I am only for myself, what am I?
And, if not now, when?”  –Hillel

This girl does what I do, but with Jewish texts instead of Christian ones! Here is the link to her post on the quote above!

"Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you. For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. We have different gifts, according to the grace given to each of us. If your gift is prophesying, then prophesy in accordance with your faith; if it is serving, then serve; if it is teaching, then teach; if it is to encourage, then give encouragement; if it is giving, then give generously; if it is to lead, do it diligently; if it is to show mercy, do it cheerfully." -Romans 12:3-8

I'm continuing to think about the concept of vocations and ministries. What or who are we called to minister to?

God has given each of us gifts to use to minister to those around us.  No matter what our vocational calling is, if we will be obedient and use our gifts to encourage and lift up others, we will minister wherever we are. 

A lot of my ministy in 2013 will focus on orphans and youth. I am going through the training with Bethany Christian Services to become an approved foster parent. I am also collecting items for Children's Village, and planning a Twilight Party for Children's Village and Vista Maria. When Autumn and I are done with Angelica & the Attic Bears, the proceeds of the book will go towards helping kids in abuse and neglect situations.

Nevertheless, I am wondering what my calling is in my day to day life. How am I ministering to family and friends? How am I ministering to neighbors and colleagues? How am I ministering to strangers? The impersonal service to a non-profit actually feels significantly easier than the daily callings. In the daily callings, I may be called to do things that require greater sacrafice, that require working with someone I don't like, biting my tongue when I want to make a point that may actually be hurtful, or developing patience and perseverance in the face of disagreement.

In pursuit of the higher goal of finding my calling, I've established the following four resolutions:

(1) Deactivate facebook -- I've never used facebook as a ministry. I've used it as a forum for airing my grievances, bashing political candidates, and expressing my views shamelessly. I am challenged to write, speak, think about the good in my life - not the problems. I am challenged not to compare my life to others' lives. So I am deactivating my facebook as an initial step in this pursuit.

(2) Get rid of the "but" -- I am always dreaming big. But then I am always shooting myself down with all the "why not's" (i.e., "this guy I am dating is really amazing, BUT he's Jewish and a Democrat and we don't agree on XYZ," "it would be great to leave Accenture, BUT I can't because I might not make as much money and I won't have the job security," or "my house is great, BUT it doesn't have a hot tub or a panic room.") I do it because I am pragmatic, but nevertheless, the result of this verbiage is chronic unfulfillment, chronic glass-half-empty-syndrome. I have a great life. I am extremely blessed. PERIOD. NO BUT.

(3) Figure out the vocation -- Initially this was "figure out my career." I wanted to decide when to leave Accenture, and whether to leave for a position with another firm or my own firm, whether to pursue law or consulting. All of these big questions lay in front of me, and I haven't done anything with them. I need to figure out what I want, and map out a plan for how to get there. The plan needs to be a vocation, because it needs to consider my professional goals, my personal goals, and my ministry.

(4) Don't take the bait; stop living a reactivated life -- With the 2012 Obama v. Romney election in our recent past, I have allowed myself to get so worked up. People ruffle my feathers and then I ruffle others' feathers. I am done with feather ruffling of any kind in my life. As soon as I get my feathers ruffled, I am now taking it as a cue for a timeout. Reevaluate, calm down, don't take the bait, and react in the way that is best for the long term -- sustaining the relationship, stating my point without allocating blame, talking about ideas not people, etc.

Those are the resolutions. I pray that through these resolutions, I will be able to better prioitize and lead as a Christian in my day to day life -- not just when I am emerging freshly-minted from church or bible study. Why are we put here? To serve! How are we to serve? That's the next question....