Boundaries

"Givers must set boundaries, as Takers seldom will."

In college, I studied a phenomenon known as the Broken Window Theory. While common to urban planning, it conveniently applies to personal spheres as well.

Under the theory, when a window is broken, the city's reaction to the broken window creates a cultural precedent which dictates long term outcomes. If the city fixes the window right away, it signals to people that the city does not tolerate vandalism. If the city allows the window to remain broken, it signals to people that it's not a big deal and breaking windows is ok; this leads to more broken windows.

We all believe that breaking windows is wrong! But are you the person who fixes the window and holds the vandal accountable? Or are you the person who allows the windows to stay broken, makes excuses for the vandal, or sweeps the incident under the rug??

By sweeping it under the rug, we may be motivated by positive intentions - we believe we are being polite, exercising social graces, avoiding confrontation, or "letting little things go." Though the unintended consequences of this propriety are far-reaching - we are teaching others how to treat us, teaching others whether we demand respectful behaviors or are willing to tolerate disrespectful ones.

Let me give you some examples. As women, it is all too common to apologize -- we apologize for speaking up and having an opinion or questions in a meeting, we apologize for "being in the way" when someone else bumps into us. But why should we apologize even for positive things and for things that are not our faults?

As a boss, I apologize for assigning my employees work (especially if the work requires them to be there late), but why should I? They receive a paycheck in exchange for performing that work; I am not giving them any more work than I am giving myself; I give them a choice over which type of work they do.

As a mom, I apologize for making my kid do homework or chores, or for not letting her go to a friend's house when she gives limited notice, but why should I? My child has no other commitments besides homework and chores; my expectations are not unreasonably -- that she pass all her classes and that there not be mold growing in the shower.

This all came to a head tonight, when we arrived home from our Chicago trip. We quickly found that the house was trashed by Debbie's sister, who snuck in without my permission, who left every light on, and who had friends and a boyfriend in tow! I firmly believe this was God's way of commanding me to set better boundaries in order to keep my home a sanctuary.

I pray, Lord, that you will grant me grace, dignity, and transparency in my speech to express exactly what I mean, as I embark on challenging conversations with Debbie, Salina, and my coworkers. I pray that you will empower me to set and keep my boundaries. I pray that the skills I gain from confronting these transgressions will help me serve as a better vessel for doing your work in the future. Amen.

Expectations are Sins

"Set your mind on things above, and keep it set!" -Colossians 3:2

How do we delineate the "things above" from the "things below"?

I once thought "things below" were sins. The ten commandments were my checklist and any behavior that did not comply was a "thing below."

Now I think of a "thing below" as anything - any thought, word, action, habit, possession, or person - that I am choosing over God or that is creating a wedge between me and God.

Right now, I am sinful. There are thoughts that I routinely choose over God. My foster daughter will never call me mom. My foster daughter honors her biological parents, while I'm left with eye rolls and door slams. My foster daughter never says thank you.

Satan works in my head and it manifests in the material world. Thus, I am challenged to reject or realign my own expectations... for reciprocaton, validation, and glorification.

Dear Lord,
Absolve me of expectations. Help me to take people as they are - making no judgments, placing no blame; and to find peace in the situation exactly as it is and exactly as it isn't. Help me to not associate a person's worth with their ability to meet my expectations. Take me to a mature level of love, a godly unconditional love. Saturate my heart with mature faith and mature endurance -- trusting your plan, not imposing my own. Keep my heart set on YOUR desires and hold my focus there, even as earthly temptations aim to distract. Amen.