Older & Wiser

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." ~Psalm 37:4

When I was younger, I thought very scientifically. If I couldn't prove something, it simply must not be true. I had a real problem with the “leaps of faith” that God asked of people in the bible.

Reading a bible verse like this, a younger me would have interpreted it quite literally: If I pray, go to church, donate to charity, and follow the ten commandments (delight myself in the Lord), then of course, He will physically give to me all the things that I want (the desires of my heart.)

For example, let's say I did a good deed, all the while wishing for an A+ on that math test. When God didn't deliver with my perfect test score, my “God’s-not-real” radar instantly and instinctively went off. Younger me would conclude - either God was not real, the Bible was not really God's word to me, or God was an evil God who made this covenant with me, quid pro quo, delight for desires, and then backed out of His promise. All of these are dangerous conclusions, and conclusions that force a wedge between me and God – God is the enemy instead of the partner, ironically the exact opposite of what the passage intends.

Older wiser me (better at trusting God and letting go of the reins) reads it like this: If you keep your eyes and ears, intentions, speech, decisions, and actions on God, which aren’t limited to (and sometimes don’t include at all) the obligatory rituals of religion, He will place in your heart dreams and goals, passions and callings that make your will for you consistent with His will for you. God does not give you the things which you desire; He gives you your dreams, your actual desires.

A Wholehearted Pursuit

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13

Heavenly King -
Teach me to be worthy.

Worthiness is... accepting the blessings God has given you, not as things you are entitled to, but as beautiful presents that you did nothing to earn, but that you are grateful to have.

My freshman year in college, I remember sitting at a lunch table across from two very nice girls - one was "triple majoring" and the other was "on the pre-med track."

I distinctly remember thinking: certain people can accomplish things like that, but I am not one of those people. I didn't have much interest in a triple major or an MD, so I'm not terribly disappointed that I didn't pursue those goals. However, I'm disappointed that the reason I didn't was because I thought I couldn't - I wasn't one of *those* people. I wasn't worthy. I wasn't enough (smart enough, hard working enough, whatever enough) to get the things those people got.

What a slap in the face to God!

Remember the parable about talents? One man buries his in the ground and keeps it safe, the other invests his and earns more of them. Who would you rather be? The person who spends his life playing it safe and burying his talents? Or the other who uses them, is grateful for them, grows and blossoms? How insulting to God to suggest that your talents can't get you anywhere so you may as well not use them. Of course he wants you to use them!

Truth is - I AM THAT PERSON WITH THE GIFTS TO SUCCEED!!!! I am the daughter of a king! I am a kind person, an intelligent person, a beautiful person with all my quirks. I am a well-intentioned person, a hard-working person, a person with good ideas. I am someone with sticktuitiveness, a proactive problem solver, a creative leader. I am good at managing teams and mentoring people. I am good at helping them see their dream and set the goals to pursue it. Yet I fall short for myself.

I don't know the right next steps, but I know that You have blessed me with an abundance - a phenomenal family who is supportive of me even when I don't deserve their support, a dog who is happy to see me come home when she really should be pissed that I've left her for the last ten hours, the money to buy great food, the time to recooperate my health, the intelligence and work ethic to follow my dreams and really see them through.

God, I feel like you are just saying to me... Kathryn, stop burying your talents and go shine!

Please teach me to be vulnerable and take chances on myself and to have enough faith in my abilities to accomplish and your abilities to steer. I've hit a breaking point where I'm more excited about the unknown than I am comfortable with the known. I know you have more in mind for me, and I know it will involve sacrafices to get there. Please grant me the courage to weather those changes.

You've met all of my physical and mental needs. You've provided for me. All I need to do.. is start walking the walk.

I woke up with this in my heart: As long as you are being a good person and the kind of person you would be proud to be and doing your best, even if things don't go as planned, you will be ok.

"Then he said to them: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." -Luke 9:23

Dreams that take something are harder and more meaningful than the dreams that don't. Being a true Christian takes something - getting your butt out of bed for church, reacting like a Christian even when you are frustrated and want to get angry at someone, living life as a Christian and being a walking bible to those around you who don't necessarily go to church, and standing up for Christian beliefs, even when a liberal media wants you to do otherwise.

 

As we see in Luke, reputation often tempts us to abandon purpose. You can live your whole life being ordinary, plain, mediocre, and unsatisfied, purposeless. If you want satisfaction and purpose, it is up to you to change your situation and wholeheartedly pursue.

 

A Girl with Two Masters

"Choose this day whom you will serve... but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." -Joshua 24:15

I've been in a rut lately. You see... this fall I was so incredibly excited about the foster care program. I attended the trainings, started designing the bedrooms, developed a homework chart. I dreamed of what these kids would be like, what situations they would come from, and how much better off they would be in my care.

I was ready.

Then... life happened.

Attrition at work left me shouldering multiple peoples' responsibilities. I put on my big girl pants and absorbed the additional work. I started my days earlier and ended them later, forgetting about friends, family, law school, bible study, and church.

This went on for months.

I cried a lot... mostly because...

Here I was with these big dreams of taking in kids, being their advocate, helping them with homework, feeding them nutritious foods, attending their soccer games, knowing their friends, hosting birthday parties, helping them apply for college.

Could I be that person while working these hours? Absolutely not!

I needed to make some changes.

First off, I had been worshipping a false god (my job) at the expense of everything that actually mattered (my true Christian vocation).  Recognizing this, I made the transition off the Dow Chemical account, and started piecing together my priorities again. I am taking time off to recharge and finish the kids' rooms. I am applying for jobs all over in search of better work-life balance (read: worshipping the right God). I am praying God will land me where he needs me.

Second off, I hadn't been serving. Throughout this period of sadness, it's been easy to say "God, how could you let this happen? Why are you making this so hard? Why won't you just give me what I need? Are you not on *my* side, God?"

But... that was entirely the wrong attitude!

God *is* on my side!!! The question is - am *I* on his side?? Were my behaviors consistent with the daughter of a king? Were they thankful, loving, and pure? No, they were riddled with anger and ingratitude, looking only at what was wrong. They were full of complaints - not solutions. While I may not have had control over my situation, I surely had a choice over what kind of person I wanted to be. And I chose.. to be a person I didn't like!

"No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." - Matthew 6:24

In Matthew 6:24, we learn that it is impossible for one to serve two masters, as there will always be competing interests. Therefore, we are forced to choose. Just like Joshua... me and my house choose TEAM GOD! :)

Now for the hard part.. building our lives around that choice!
 

Losing Lauren

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways, acknowledge him, and he shall direct your paths." Proverbs 3:5-6

The past two years have been the best of my life. I'm a home owner. I'm financially secure. I have amazing roommates, friends, and family. I have Zuma. I am successful in my career and enjoy what I'm working on. I'm learning so much in law school and in life. To say I have been blessed is an understatement.

I like where I am, so I find it challenging to embrace any kind of change that could jeopardize this profound happiness that I am experiencing.

The next few months will be filled with change.

Lauren is moving out. My downstairs is full of boxes. Her bedroom is full of items that need to be sorted and organized. You can smell the dust from things resurfacing that have been left in their places for two years. It is actually becoming real to me, and the tears are starting to flow.

Lauren is moving now, and Beba moves in October. It is not as if we had a falling out or I evicted them. But they are moving out to go on and do bigger and better things.

Lauren is moving out to become a missionary through the World Race. Beba is moving out to move in with her boyfriend, hopefully get married and start a family. As Joel would say, sometimes our dreams are bigger than the environment in which we are placed. These two are moving on to bigger environments and bigger dreams.

It has given me a lot of pause. Do I want new roommates? Do I rent out the rooms together, or individually? Do I rent out the whole house? Do I not rent and live alone? As Ameer would say.. look down all paths and see which one brings you the most peace.

I found myself very reluctant to place the ad for new roommates. I don't think any relationship (roommate-roommate, landlord-tenant, dog owner - dog sitter, friend-friend) could quite compare with what I have with these two amazing girls; like I said, I've been BEYOND blessed!

I found myself reluctant to live alone though. I don't like coming home to a dark lonely house by myself. I don't like the dog being all alone all day every day.

If I go with my gut, I think this is my sign... that I am supposed to start the foster parenting. I just got a raise that brings me up by $1200/month (exactly the amount I was collecting in rent), so therefore I do not need the money to sustain my current standard of living. I will have the opportunity to cut back on school a bit next term; I can do a class with a thesis paper and start that paper now, and I can do the estate planning clinic as my second class. I will be in Saudi Arabia in December and January, so I'll have the extra money from hazard pay and per diem.

I love my job and I love school, but I don't get fulfillment out of them in the do-gooder sense. I'm really just doing something that is benefitting myself - not something that is helping others. I want to help... but in a way that profoundly changes one or two peoples' lives.

So I signed up for PRIDE training and will do that the next three Saturdays. My parents are going to join me. I reached back out to my social worker. I am going to get my medical exam scheduled for November. My goal is to be all approved before I leave for KSA. Then ready to hit the ground running with a placement when I get back.

I hope this is the right thing, but just like the text from Proverbs says, it's got to be God's plan and God's timing - not mine. I think there is really a reason that I got the raise in that exact amount, that my two roommates that I adore are leaving and leaving for such big things, that all of this came about quite abruptly. I think God is saying... changes are happening whether you plan them or not, I think you're ready, and if you won't jump, I'll push you! Meet the change with unconditional love, instead of fear and hypotheticals.

A Prayer of Gratitude

Dear Lord:
Thank you for the many blessings you have brought into my life. I am blessed with amazing friends, like Larry who is always so practical and thorough, and whose faith commitment serves as a model for me in being the type of parent, spouse, and Christian servant I aspire to become. Beba who is just in love with life, and works to find the joy and humor in any situation. Sarah and Lisa who are running the same races I am with respect to career and relationships, and who can mentor me in so many ways.

Thank you for the resources and intelligence to attend law school, and the exciting prospect of my law school merging with Western Michigan University. Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to do this part time without having to sacrafice my career and for the chance to return to weekend classes and spending time with my weekend student friends once again.

Thank you for my family - my Mom who models gratitude, patience, kindness and optimism for me, and my Dad who is the most philanthropic person I know, who gives and expects nothing in return. Thank you for parents who just want me to be happy and safe, and have no further expectations of me. Thank you for Zuma and Jewels who give me a reason to slow down the pace of my life, to stop and smell the roses. In addition to my immediate family, thank you for my extended family and for the fellowship we shared with them as they had us over for a delicious Easter dinner.

Thank you for the bible study girls and my Kirk family, who keep me rooted in my faith, and keep my marriage with Christ a daily work that is always growing, who keep me on track despite my own personal set backs. The only way we will ever find our true vocation is through a life married to Christ.

Thank you for Accenture, and the many opportunities that it has afforded me - the chance to travel and see the world when I was younger, the chance to fellowship with international colleagues at St Charles, the informal mentorship along the way through people like Julie, Britaini, Ameer, Marty, Sue, Matt, Scott, and Saman, and others. Thank you for the opportunity to live in a nice home and maintain a nice life. At this point, I pray that you will guide me in what to do next in my career, how to best use my talents and skills to glorify God, and whether my career itself has ever been about glorifying God or just about glorifying self :-/

Thank you for Autumn, and the children's book that we are currently writing. Autumn is so talented and I am fortunate to have connected with her.

Thank you, Lord, for the many things that you have given me. I don't deserve any of them, but I am beyond thankful for all of them. You have made my life the great thing that it is!! And I am working hard to be constantly appreciative for it, and to wake up and live every day with a bit of excitement as if it were building up to my prom night or my first date or my graduation ceremony or something else that's equally exciting. And I ask you to strengthen my integrity and work ethic so that every day I can help to build your kingdom.

-Kathryn

Joseph & the Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat (my first musical)

When I was 10 years old, I saw my first musical - "Joseph & the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat." I went with my Mom. I got to dress up. And we drove downtown to the Fox Theatre. We ordered snacks for the show, and my Mom even bought me a cassette tape with the songs on it.

I've been reading up on the story of Joseph and his dreams. It seems that we might be wise to act on our dreams, but also to keep some of our dreams to ourselves. Here's why:

(1) If our dreams are from God, then it doesn't matter what others think, so why share them? When Joseph had two dreams with the same message it meant that "the matter had been firmly decided by God, and God would do it soon." (Genesis 41:32) So why consult others? If there is doubt in our minds, the doubt is irrelevant if we can determine that the dream is from God.

(2) Keeping a dream to ourselves allows us to determine whether the dream is really from God. God's exaltation of a man is never for the man himself; it is for the glorification of God and the edification of others, so if the dream is one that God intends for us, we need to determine whether it is for ego (read: not from God) or for God and others (read: from God). There should be no self-promotion to our dreams. A good test of this is whether we can applaud another person doing the same thing with the same skills. If we can't, then it's about us - not God and others!

(3) We are called to "check on the shalom (peace) of our brothers." (Genesis 37:14). If sharing our dreams makes others feel bad, then we probably shouldn't do it.

The Meaning of Marriage

Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and give himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless" -Ephesians 5:22-28 [condensed]

The difference between a secular marriage and a Christ-honoring marriage is that in a Christ-honoring marriage your mission is to make each other better servants, to focus each other on your true vocations in life. The marriage is not between the bride and groom, but between God, the bride, and the groom. Hence why in most Christian ceremonies the minister asks the bride and groom a series of questions which they answer facing the minister and the altar (making their commitments to God). Then they recite their vows to one another either by repeating after the minister or by reading vows they have written down(making their commitments to each other). That entire first half of commitments is completely missing in a secular ceremony. Are secular marriages legitimate? Yes. Are religious marriages legitimate? Yes. But each serves an entirely different purpose. I've struggled with this, being a Christian who was dating a Jew up until a few weeks ago. I think it would be, well, impossible to have a Christ-honoring marriage with someone who does not believe in Christ (or was just raised with no real concept of Christ). Then I look at the  religions comparatively, and both believe in God (arguably the same God? God of Isaac) - I am wondering if a God-honoring marriage is the same as a Christ-honoring marriage. What do you think?