Boundaries

"Givers must set boundaries, as Takers seldom will."

In college, I studied a phenomenon known as the Broken Window Theory. While common to urban planning, it conveniently applies to personal spheres as well.

Under the theory, when a window is broken, the city's reaction to the broken window creates a cultural precedent which dictates long term outcomes. If the city fixes the window right away, it signals to people that the city does not tolerate vandalism. If the city allows the window to remain broken, it signals to people that it's not a big deal and breaking windows is ok; this leads to more broken windows.

We all believe that breaking windows is wrong! But are you the person who fixes the window and holds the vandal accountable? Or are you the person who allows the windows to stay broken, makes excuses for the vandal, or sweeps the incident under the rug??

By sweeping it under the rug, we may be motivated by positive intentions - we believe we are being polite, exercising social graces, avoiding confrontation, or "letting little things go." Though the unintended consequences of this propriety are far-reaching - we are teaching others how to treat us, teaching others whether we demand respectful behaviors or are willing to tolerate disrespectful ones.

Let me give you some examples. As women, it is all too common to apologize -- we apologize for speaking up and having an opinion or questions in a meeting, we apologize for "being in the way" when someone else bumps into us. But why should we apologize even for positive things and for things that are not our faults?

As a boss, I apologize for assigning my employees work (especially if the work requires them to be there late), but why should I? They receive a paycheck in exchange for performing that work; I am not giving them any more work than I am giving myself; I give them a choice over which type of work they do.

As a mom, I apologize for making my kid do homework or chores, or for not letting her go to a friend's house when she gives limited notice, but why should I? My child has no other commitments besides homework and chores; my expectations are not unreasonably -- that she pass all her classes and that there not be mold growing in the shower.

This all came to a head tonight, when we arrived home from our Chicago trip. We quickly found that the house was trashed by Debbie's sister, who snuck in without my permission, who left every light on, and who had friends and a boyfriend in tow! I firmly believe this was God's way of commanding me to set better boundaries in order to keep my home a sanctuary.

I pray, Lord, that you will grant me grace, dignity, and transparency in my speech to express exactly what I mean, as I embark on challenging conversations with Debbie, Salina, and my coworkers. I pray that you will empower me to set and keep my boundaries. I pray that the skills I gain from confronting these transgressions will help me serve as a better vessel for doing your work in the future. Amen.

Expectations are Sins

"Set your mind on things above, and keep it set!" -Colossians 3:2

How do we delineate the "things above" from the "things below"?

I once thought "things below" were sins. The ten commandments were my checklist and any behavior that did not comply was a "thing below."

Now I think of a "thing below" as anything - any thought, word, action, habit, possession, or person - that I am choosing over God or that is creating a wedge between me and God.

Right now, I am sinful. There are thoughts that I routinely choose over God. My foster daughter will never call me mom. My foster daughter honors her biological parents, while I'm left with eye rolls and door slams. My foster daughter never says thank you.

Satan works in my head and it manifests in the material world. Thus, I am challenged to reject or realign my own expectations... for reciprocaton, validation, and glorification.

Dear Lord,
Absolve me of expectations. Help me to take people as they are - making no judgments, placing no blame; and to find peace in the situation exactly as it is and exactly as it isn't. Help me to not associate a person's worth with their ability to meet my expectations. Take me to a mature level of love, a godly unconditional love. Saturate my heart with mature faith and mature endurance -- trusting your plan, not imposing my own. Keep my heart set on YOUR desires and hold my focus there, even as earthly temptations aim to distract. Amen.

Why I Like Being Uncomfortable

Ok, maybe I don't like it, but I am ok with it. I am at least comfortable with the idea of being uncomfortable.

I am grateful for some recent uncomfortable experiences that have grown me - a relationship that taught me to be vulnerable, soft, and caring; a breakup that taught me to recover and reprioritize; and the hindsight to see "what didn't work" as "what will work in the future."

When Chris and I broke up, he said something powerful: "You know, you'll have this again, Kat. It's always a similar plotline, just with different characters. You'll still have all those wonderful things that you dream about, just with somebody who dreams about them too."

And much as I didn't want him to be right or charming or pure about one damn thing he said to me that day, the truth is, he was all of the above!

You see, Chris was already in love when I met him. He was in love with a particular future - with Chicago, living amongst tall buildings in a big city, having a few biological kids of his own, working long consultant hours, traveling all over, and enjoying a fast-paced weekend of drinking and running and socializing.

I was already in love with a different future - with my Birmingham suburb, my dog, and a dynasty of foster children, workdays spent doing something that matters but coming home at a reasonable hour to the people that matter even more, and weekends spent sleeping in, taking walks, watching Blaine's baseball games, and grabbing coffee with friends.

We both have exciting adventures ahead - just vastly different adventures, that don't overlap, that we can't take together. I am grateful that he was able to see this; it would have taken me a lot longer.

I am thankful for the experience, and the possibilities...

Learning to Trust

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding." Proverbs 3:5

I've always had trust issues - both with people and with God.

Instead of confiding in God or other people, I was quick to judgment. Any time things did not go my way, I placed blame, creating a "me vs. them" mentality. I never grew or changed because when life didn't work, I never believed it to be because of myself. I felt I was a victim, which was disempowering.

This line of thinking was quite dangerous. It created real struggles for me. It made me an angry person. I could not find peace or joy without answers -- answers I would likely never have.
I'm learning, slowly, to let go and trust, be still and, in prayer, let my intuition guide me. Place my troubles on Christ and allow Him to fix my heart, to place the answers in my attitudes and choices.

Sometimes what I want is not what God wants. My conversations with Him once looked like a child throwing a temper tantrum: "God, why are you doing this to me?? Why can't you just give me what I want?? I hate you, God! I am not going to do what you want - nope, I am no longer going to church!"

Now, God and I are partners. I am here to do His work and, to do that, I require His coaching. The conversation looks like this: "God, I pray that you will bring me peace in the absence of clarity. I pray that you will give me the strength and perseverance to overcome this situation. I trust that you are building me up and preparing me for promotion into the next chapter of my life! God, I love you. Keep me safe. Help me to practice gratitude, patience, trust, and empathy."

I know that you have put it in my heart to pursue certain things – volunteering with the family law clinic and the tax clinic, fostering a sibling group, possibly adopting Blaine or Marcus or Trisha. I pray that you will provide for me in a way that allows me to follow these passions and no longer feel enslaved to work that squashes my sparkle.

Lord, please give me a child that I can truly help. Please place in my heart the right motives for doing this – not a need for praise, appreciation, stroking of my ego, but a pure desire to sacrifice for another person’s benefit while getting nothing in return.

Older & Wiser

"Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart." ~Psalm 37:4

When I was younger, I thought very scientifically. If I couldn't prove something, it simply must not be true. I had a real problem with the “leaps of faith” that God asked of people in the bible.

Reading a bible verse like this, a younger me would have interpreted it quite literally: If I pray, go to church, donate to charity, and follow the ten commandments (delight myself in the Lord), then of course, He will physically give to me all the things that I want (the desires of my heart.)

For example, let's say I did a good deed, all the while wishing for an A+ on that math test. When God didn't deliver with my perfect test score, my “God’s-not-real” radar instantly and instinctively went off. Younger me would conclude - either God was not real, the Bible was not really God's word to me, or God was an evil God who made this covenant with me, quid pro quo, delight for desires, and then backed out of His promise. All of these are dangerous conclusions, and conclusions that force a wedge between me and God – God is the enemy instead of the partner, ironically the exact opposite of what the passage intends.

Older wiser me (better at trusting God and letting go of the reins) reads it like this: If you keep your eyes and ears, intentions, speech, decisions, and actions on God, which aren’t limited to (and sometimes don’t include at all) the obligatory rituals of religion, He will place in your heart dreams and goals, passions and callings that make your will for you consistent with His will for you. God does not give you the things which you desire; He gives you your dreams, your actual desires.

A Wholehearted Pursuit

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." - Philippians 4:13

Heavenly King -
Teach me to be worthy.

Worthiness is... accepting the blessings God has given you, not as things you are entitled to, but as beautiful presents that you did nothing to earn, but that you are grateful to have.

My freshman year in college, I remember sitting at a lunch table across from two very nice girls - one was "triple majoring" and the other was "on the pre-med track."

I distinctly remember thinking: certain people can accomplish things like that, but I am not one of those people. I didn't have much interest in a triple major or an MD, so I'm not terribly disappointed that I didn't pursue those goals. However, I'm disappointed that the reason I didn't was because I thought I couldn't - I wasn't one of *those* people. I wasn't worthy. I wasn't enough (smart enough, hard working enough, whatever enough) to get the things those people got.

What a slap in the face to God!

Remember the parable about talents? One man buries his in the ground and keeps it safe, the other invests his and earns more of them. Who would you rather be? The person who spends his life playing it safe and burying his talents? Or the other who uses them, is grateful for them, grows and blossoms? How insulting to God to suggest that your talents can't get you anywhere so you may as well not use them. Of course he wants you to use them!

Truth is - I AM THAT PERSON WITH THE GIFTS TO SUCCEED!!!! I am the daughter of a king! I am a kind person, an intelligent person, a beautiful person with all my quirks. I am a well-intentioned person, a hard-working person, a person with good ideas. I am someone with sticktuitiveness, a proactive problem solver, a creative leader. I am good at managing teams and mentoring people. I am good at helping them see their dream and set the goals to pursue it. Yet I fall short for myself.

I don't know the right next steps, but I know that You have blessed me with an abundance - a phenomenal family who is supportive of me even when I don't deserve their support, a dog who is happy to see me come home when she really should be pissed that I've left her for the last ten hours, the money to buy great food, the time to recooperate my health, the intelligence and work ethic to follow my dreams and really see them through.

God, I feel like you are just saying to me... Kathryn, stop burying your talents and go shine!

Please teach me to be vulnerable and take chances on myself and to have enough faith in my abilities to accomplish and your abilities to steer. I've hit a breaking point where I'm more excited about the unknown than I am comfortable with the known. I know you have more in mind for me, and I know it will involve sacrafices to get there. Please grant me the courage to weather those changes.

You've met all of my physical and mental needs. You've provided for me. All I need to do.. is start walking the walk.

I woke up with this in my heart: As long as you are being a good person and the kind of person you would be proud to be and doing your best, even if things don't go as planned, you will be ok.

"Then he said to them: "Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me." -Luke 9:23

Dreams that take something are harder and more meaningful than the dreams that don't. Being a true Christian takes something - getting your butt out of bed for church, reacting like a Christian even when you are frustrated and want to get angry at someone, living life as a Christian and being a walking bible to those around you who don't necessarily go to church, and standing up for Christian beliefs, even when a liberal media wants you to do otherwise.

 

As we see in Luke, reputation often tempts us to abandon purpose. You can live your whole life being ordinary, plain, mediocre, and unsatisfied, purposeless. If you want satisfaction and purpose, it is up to you to change your situation and wholeheartedly pursue.

 

A Girl with Two Masters

"Choose this day whom you will serve... but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord." -Joshua 24:15

I've been in a rut lately. You see... this fall I was so incredibly excited about the foster care program. I attended the trainings, started designing the bedrooms, developed a homework chart. I dreamed of what these kids would be like, what situations they would come from, and how much better off they would be in my care.

I was ready.

Then... life happened.

Attrition at work left me shouldering multiple peoples' responsibilities. I put on my big girl pants and absorbed the additional work. I started my days earlier and ended them later, forgetting about friends, family, law school, bible study, and church.

This went on for months.

I cried a lot... mostly because...

Here I was with these big dreams of taking in kids, being their advocate, helping them with homework, feeding them nutritious foods, attending their soccer games, knowing their friends, hosting birthday parties, helping them apply for college.

Could I be that person while working these hours? Absolutely not!

I needed to make some changes.

First off, I had been worshipping a false god (my job) at the expense of everything that actually mattered (my true Christian vocation).  Recognizing this, I made the transition off the Dow Chemical account, and started piecing together my priorities again. I am taking time off to recharge and finish the kids' rooms. I am applying for jobs all over in search of better work-life balance (read: worshipping the right God). I am praying God will land me where he needs me.

Second off, I hadn't been serving. Throughout this period of sadness, it's been easy to say "God, how could you let this happen? Why are you making this so hard? Why won't you just give me what I need? Are you not on *my* side, God?"

But... that was entirely the wrong attitude!

God *is* on my side!!! The question is - am *I* on his side?? Were my behaviors consistent with the daughter of a king? Were they thankful, loving, and pure? No, they were riddled with anger and ingratitude, looking only at what was wrong. They were full of complaints - not solutions. While I may not have had control over my situation, I surely had a choice over what kind of person I wanted to be. And I chose.. to be a person I didn't like!

"No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money." - Matthew 6:24

In Matthew 6:24, we learn that it is impossible for one to serve two masters, as there will always be competing interests. Therefore, we are forced to choose. Just like Joshua... me and my house choose TEAM GOD! :)

Now for the hard part.. building our lives around that choice!